My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flippingchannels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'And then the fight started....
------------ --------- --------- ---
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goesfrom 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.
'I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...
------------ --------- --------- ---
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I takeher someplace expensive...
so, I took her to a gas station.
And then the fight started...
--------------------- --------- ---
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in mypockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hairon your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...
------------ --------- --------- ---
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion,
and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'Yes, I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend.
I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
My wife said, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
------------ --------- --------- ---
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
" Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...
------------ --------- --------- ---
My wife is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Well! Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started.....
------------ --------- --------- ---
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And then the fight started....
------------ --------- --------- ---
My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big.
I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday and then the fight started.....
------------ --------- --------- ---
A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noisecame from outside.
The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy crap,That must be my husband!'
So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumpedout the window.
He smashed himself on the ground, ran througha thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroomand screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!
'The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'
And then the fight started.....
----------- - --------- --------- ---
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made mylunch, walked the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to backout a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and
discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a differentanticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe mystupid husband is out fishing in that?'
And then the fight started ....
------------ --------- --------- ---
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary? "
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And then the fight started....
----------- - --------- --------- ---
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionairewhile we were in bed.
I turned to her and said,
"Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered
I then said, "Is that your final answer?
"She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And then the fight started.
